what about "no title"?

it's been a while since i haven't written anything, either online or on paper.  i've been a wreck since my mother died, and writing or basically gathering my thoughts together has been terrifying lately.  because it meant that i had to sit down and think about stuff, and processing them and all that.  instead of just going out and doing something to forget about it or to deal with "the real world".  i had to be practical and look for work and think about things like rent, bills, etc.  except that every so often, something jerks me back to the fact that my mother's dead, my family will never get back together no matter how hard i try or wish for it to happen, my boyfriend will never be a boyfriend much less my husband, motherhood will not come to me just because i want it to, it will be harder for me to go back to the one company i've wanted to be in than i thought.

stuff like that. 

and just when you think you deserve a break, just when you finally decide to kick back and have fun, a prude of a friend - or maybe he's just fucking tight-assed - rains on your parade.  not realizing that by telling me not to go out too much, drink too much, flirt too much, he does more harm than good.  and oh yes, he meant well and all that, but isn't it funny when you've been hankering for attention and you get the unwanted kind?  when you've been craving for a shoulder to cry on and you get a pamphlet to go with that?  see the light...let the lord touch you once again...blahblahblah...  hahahahaha.  i guess god has a sense of humor after all.

still, i have to be thankful.  i actually have friends who put up with my shit no matter how big an asshole i get.  people love me.  it might not be the brand of loving that i'd like to receive, but it is love, nevertheless.  the kind i need the most.  life still manages to give me these nice surprises.

it gives you hope.  and each time, i am reminded that we mustn't be too preoccupied about the future because although important, it is not as important as the present.  saving up for a rainy day happens now.  giving your all on stage happens now.  telling a friend how much you appreciate him happens now.  kissing a fool happens now.  loving someone happens now. 

and it's okay, it's okay to let go, have fun once in a while, even fuck up once in a while.  as long as you let it happen.  as long as you don't dwell on it afterwards because the past is something that is always out of our hands anyway.  at least you can look back on it and laugh, tell your grandchildren that you rocked when you were their age. 

amazing, really, when you think about it.  some things just aren't as important as we initially thought they were.  but one thing i do pray for, for myself and for everyone - may we have the wisdom to know what really matters, and the courage to love, always love.