i have been in love with a certain man for quite some time now. yes, i have dated others but i never gave myself over to any of these men in the way i have devoted myself to this one man. i have been constant, unswerving and pig-headed in this one-way love affair. i believed that one day we would be the couple that i have seen so often in my waking dreams.
but now, i'm not so sure.
i've just gotten back from japan, just wrapped up Philippine Bedtime Stories 3. i was there for a month, then the japanese actors came to manila for a two-weekend performance. nobody ever knows what would happen when you leave the country, especially if you think you're leaving someone special behind. all i thought back then was that i am going to do this man-o'-mine proud even if it kills me. i am going to pour my heart and soul into this performance, that when he sees me, he is going to know - finally - that i am the only woman for him. talk about a seriously twisted motivation.
i was thoroughly unhappy in japan. and this gloom carried over into the succeeding performances in manila. one thing though, one person kept me sane - my japanese co-actor, hideyuki sugiyama.
i had met this man a year ago in the previous production of philippine bedtime stories, but we never actually spoke to each other aside from the usual formalities. he was not my co-actor at that time. now, working with him closely, i saw he wasn't just some hot japanese guy - he actually had a good heart. his english was bad, my japanese was bad, but somehow we were able to communicate. at first, we only talked about work. then we started talking about other, more personal things. between shows, we would be found sprawled on the sidewalk smoking our lungs out, laughing like idiots, sometimes just sharing each other's silence. we enjoyed each other's company. we liked each other. we fell in love.
i will never understand what possessed him to start speaking to me in the first place - why he would always want to know what was going on in my head, what was going on in my heart. i was always the quiet person, the one who would rather disappear than burden others with my sorrow. yet he sought me out, and with his halting, broken english, he plumbed my depths and made me feel once again the warmth of the sun. and oh, i felt it - from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my hair, to my tongue, my lips, my skin, my loins - and my heart burned.
ah what a sad sad cruel joke. what twisted alignment of the stars that we were brought together like this only to be separated. and now i sit here laughing at myself. my more-than-a-year one-sided love affair now pales in comparison to this one-month conversation. we can never be together, sugi & i. he is gone, but it is as if he never left. how does one go back to the life you once led, to the love that you once thought was enough, when you have been touched by the sun as i have?
i sit here and i do not even hope. i am used to being alone. but i am thankful for this loneliness, this unspeakable emptiness. for i have known a love that asked no questions, demanded nothing, that accepted what i had to give, that accepted me for what i am. how often does one say that? "we fell in love." it seems so magical, so rare, so blessed! like a story that you read when you were a child and you wished with all your heart that it would come true. and now it has. at least i can say that - it really did happen. he really did love me.
what i have now of sugi is a beautiful memory. and it is better, far better than the fairy tale that i have long nurtured in my heart of this man that i thought was my partner for life. it is a memory of something that was real.
we fell in love. that is all, but it is everything.
